Post-Shooting Trauma
by Conflate
Summary: They will quickly tell you no real man ever feels anything but exhilaration over besting the enemy in combat.


Post-Shooting Trauma

"Post-shooting trauma can be defined as the emotional distress a person experiences following the use of deadly force on another human being. Some who have used deadly force will tell you it is a total fabrication designed to create sympathy for the policeman, soldier or armed citizen who must now defend his actions before an anti-gun audience. They will quickly tell you no real man ever feels anything but exhilaration over besting the enemy in combat."

* * *

His hands were trembling far worse than they ever had. Not even his most exhilarating basketball match during his high school career, with all the excitement from the cheering crowds and the taste of victory, caused him to shake this bad. He slid down the wall, the other members of his squad rushing in after the gunshot resonated throughout the room. His quivering fingers found their way to his blue hair; he didn't even hear the sound of his gun falling to the floor in the process. It was as if the world had gone quiet. All he could hear was ringing in his ears from the release of the bullet, and somewhere, deep in the back of his head, he could hear the screaming – _pleading –_ of the man on the other end of his gun.

A couple of hours later, he sat in the station, facing his higher-up with his head lowered, eyes glued to the ground. There was still a very faint ringing in his ears, but Aomine ignored it completely. His boss kept telling him he needed to be looked at, said he needed to go in for therapy. Aomine refused though, said he was fine. He could barely hear his own voice, but he was sure that at some point during his sentence, it had cracked, for when he looked up to glance at the other male, his brow was furrowed in worry.

He tried his best to show him that he was alright, said he was just a little shaken up seeing as it was the first time he had ever used his gun since he joined the force – well, the first time not as _practice_ anyway. The tanned male, who was at one point forcing a smile to prove his strength, visibly cringed as his boss slammed a hand down upon his desk. Aomine was told that was exactly _why_ he needed to see someone. It was the first time in _how many years_ since he's been an officer that he had fired his weapon.

The blue-haired male fell silent then, his gaze lowering once more. He saw the shoes of his boss come into view as the other shuffled before him and slowly squatted down. He could hear whispered words meeting his ear, but that was as far as they got. He had what was being said to him, had no idea his boss was saying, "Son. I know you're strong, but you don't have to be brave all the time. Not everyone can handle the fact they fired a weapon. Hell, some officers may go their entire career without needing to use it. Go to therapy. If you weren't already a tanned son-of-a-bitch, you would probably be as pale as a ghost right now." A soft chuckle brushed passed the other's lips, and Aomine nearly jumped out of his skin when a hand rested on his knee, giving it an encouraging squeeze.

The shaken officer merely shook his head and abruptly stood, knocking his boss backwards before storming out of the room. There was only one place he wanted, no, he _needed_ to be in that moment, and that was home. He needed to be where he felt safe. Where there were no guns (aside from his off duty weapon), no criminals, nobody telling him what to do... Just the safe, welcoming arms of his boyfriend, who he knew would be home by now. He needed to see him. _He needed to calm down._ He needed to take a deep breath and collect himself before walking into his shared apartment with Kise. Lord only knew what the blond would do if he walked in all shaken and rattled like he currently was.

So, he stopped outside a convenience store which was half-way from their apartment complex; he had gotten a lot farther than he had thought. His mind was so full with replays of what happened and the words of his boss that he didn't even know where he was going, his feet were just carrying him in what felt like the right direction. Taking a seat on a nearby bench, Aomine rested his elbows atop his knees and dug the palms of his hands into his sockets. A low groan escaped his lips as he tried to grind away any trace of what happened just a few hours earlier.

It was pointless, though, because every time his eyes would close, visuals flashed across his closed lids as if what happened were a movie. Unable to sit through that again, Aomine sprung up from his seat and walked into the store. He headed straight towards the back where he knew the drinks were located and hurriedly pushed open one of the cooler doors. He wasn't aware of the fact that his hands were still shaking until the moment he reached out to grab a bottle of Pocari Sweat – one of his favourite beverages since his youth.

The fact that he was still so shaken up caused him to halt. He examined his hand, briefly considering what his boss said about going to therapy. Thinking about it for no longer than a millisecond, Aomine scoffed and grabbed what he came to get and they stomped up to the front counter where he slammed his bottle onto the counter, scaring the cashier in the process, paid for his drink, and then left.

There was absolutely no way he was going to therapy. He was fine. _Fine_. He was a _man_ after all, and there was no way in _hell_ that a man would feel so shaken by something as ridiculous as firing a gun.

Twisting the cap from his bottle, he took a long, needed swig of the liquid as he walked down the sidewalk in the direction of his apartment; it was nearly half gone by the time he lowered it from his lips. Some dribbled down the front of his uniform as he had tried consuming far too much, and gulped down what he could. His brows were still pinched in frustration and anger as he stormed down the street... What he hadn't realized, was that his knuckles had whitened with his hard he was gripping onto the Pocari Sweat.

* * *

As he ascended the last of the stairs leading up to his floor, Aomine reached into his pocket and attempted to fish out his key. Much to his distaste, his hands were still trembling, and he ended up cursing under his breath as he couldn't wrap his 'god-damned' fingers around the 'mother-fucking' key. Giving up, he stared hard at the door before him, gaze boring through it as if he were glaring daggers through the wood.

Raising a tightly clenched fist, he pounded against the door and then lowered his arm back to his side. By the loud yelp he heard from the other side, he realized he had banged a little too hard. He was still in, what he liked to call, "police mode," and he would be sure to apologize to his boyfriend as soon as he stepped inside. Inside where it was _safe_.

The scurrying of footsteps came closer and closer to the door as he stood there, and as he heard the lock click and the knob turn, he reached out to push the door open, not giving Kise enough time to get out of the way before he stepped inside. The blond grumbled something about Aomine being an idiot under his breath as he let the officer in before quietly closing the door behind him.

"That's one way to let yourself in," he huffed as locked the door and turned to face the other with his arms over his chest. He was about to give him a hard time for one, nearly scaring the shit out of him, and two, barging in like he did. However, the words died on his tongue as he saw the look on Aomine's face and noticed that he didn't his bag of belongings with him. His featured automatically softened and he lowered his arms as he slowly approached the up-tight male.

"Daiki, what's wrong?" he asked as he slowly reached out to touch Aomine's arm. The way the other flinched at such a simple touch caused Kise's own brow to furrow and he tried once more to wrap his fingers around the blue-haired male's arm. Taking another step closer once he accomplished this, he cautiously raised his free hand and pressed it to Aomine's cheek, caressing it gently.

"Hey, come on," he murmured, trying to calm his shaken up boyfriend, "Tell me what's wrong."

This was what he needed. This is _exactly_ what Aomine needed. In that moment, as soon as he felt Kise's soft, warm hand reach up to hold his cheek, his "tough-guy" exterior cracked and faded. His brow unfurrowed, his limbs felt as if he went numb, and his entire body started trembling once more. Taking an agonizingly slow step forward to meet his boyfriend, his head lowered and he pressed his forehead to Kise's shoulder.

Kise released his hold on Aomine's arm to wrap it around and press against his back, rubbing small, gentle, loving circles over his uniform. His other hand, where his thumb had ceased stroking his cheek, reached around and pressed against the back of the officer's head, holding him closer to his shoulder, closer in the safety of his arms.

"Daiki, what happened?" he questioned again, this time more softly, as he continued to rub circles over his broad back and stroked his soft, blue locks. "You know you can tell me anything."

A muffled mumble was all he heard before he pulled his hand back from Aomine's head in order to momentarily lift his chin. "I can't hear you when you mumble like that," he said as he tried holding the other's gaze. "Can you say that again?"

It wasn't the words that startled Kise. What really frightened him, was the way Aomine's voice cracked when he said them, the way tears welled up in his eyes, the way those very same eyes were filled with fear and regret. It made Aomine look as if he had lost the most precious thing in his world. Quickly pressing his face back into his shoulder, Kise went back to stroking his hair and rubbing his back; soft 'it'll be alright's and 'it's okay's brushed passed his lips against Aomine's ear. He could feel his shirt starting to get damp from where Aomine's face was pressed against it, and seeing his boyfriend so distraught over what happened caused Kise to tear up as well.

_I shot a man._

* * *

After Kise managed to coax Aomine into their bedroom where he helped him change out of his uniform and into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, he tucked him into bed and sat on the edge running his fingers through strands of blue hair.

Aomine looked completely tired and worn out as he lay there with his eyes closed, lips parted slightly as he began dozing. He had refused dinner, and though Kise was adamant about Aomine at least eating something small like toast, he caved when he heard his boyfriend said he felt like he was going to throw up. So, he dropped the subject and helped him into bed instead.

Once he was sure the tanned male had finally passed out, the blond stood and exited the bedroom. He grabbed his phone from the couch where he had been sitting when Aomine came home, and then made his way to the front door to slip on his boots and jacket. After turning the light in the living area off, he headed out, locking the door behind him. Seeing as Aomine had carelessly left his bag at the station before coming home, Kise told himself he'd run and grab it before the other could wake up.

His feet carried him down the sidewalk at a quick pace; he nearly broke into a jog at one point. The last thing he wanted to happen, was to have Aomine wake up and find that Kise wasn't there. After hearing him whimper that he didn't want him to leave him as he held onto his hand while laying in bed, Kise would have felt terrible for betraying him in such a way. So, he picked up his pace a bit and arrived at the station in no time.

The first person he came across was none other than Aomine's boss. Everyone already knew that the two were living together; most thought that they were just roommates sharing the apartment, but some people, a select few, like Aomine's boss and a couple of the other higher ups, knew that they were more than just roommates. So, it was no surprise when he approached the blond as he was digging through Aomine's locker to retrieve his things.

"Kise," he heard in a low rumble. Turning his head up from where he was frantically pulling out Aomine's personal things and shoving everything he thought he would bring home into his bag, he looked up at the other male with wide eyes.

"Oh, hello. Sorry for showing up like this. I'm just getting the things the idiot left," he started to explain before he was cut off by Aomine's boss raising his hand to silence him.

"No need to explain, Kise. How is he?"

The blond's gaze lowered slightly, and his jaw hung open for a brief second before he spoke.

"He's really scared," he managed, gulping over the newly formed lump in his throat. "He probably doesn't want me to tell you this... But the first thing he did when he came home was cry. He's asleep in bed right now. I couldn't get him to eat anything, so he kind of just passed out. He didn't want me to leave him, so I need to be quick in case he wakes up," he explained as he zipped up his boyfriend's duffle and pulled the strap over his shoulder. Shifting his weight between his feet awkwardly as he stood before the other, he raised his head so he was no longer staring at the ground and looked him dead in the eye. "How was Aomine earlier when you saw him?"

Upon hearing that Aomine looked like a zombie, Kise's brows twitched and he felt his stomach churn. He knew firing a gun could be a traumatic thing, but he never would have expected that Aomine, one of the strongest men Kise knew, would be so effected by it.

He was pulled form his thoughts when he felt a hand on his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. Raising his gaze, he was met by the kind eyes of Aomine's boss and nodded his head when he was told to take good care of him, and to try and convince him to go to therapy. After bidding the other a good, and safe, night, Kise left the station while clutching onto the strap of Aomine's duffle until his fingers shook.

_Try and talk to him, Kise. He needs to go through therapy for this. He listens to you, so I have faith that you can get through to him._

* * *

No.

_No._

Aomine continued to mumble that one word as he tossed and turned in bed. The sheets which were once tucked close to his body, had been kicked to the floor.

"_Drop your weapon!" His voice could be heard echoing throughout the room, but the idiot standing across from him wouldn't listen, wouldn't budge. He stood there like a statue with his arms raised, gun in hand. His arms were shaking terribly, and Aomine's eyes were glued to him as he pointed the gun at him._

_Aomine's own gun was raised as well, barrel facing the criminal across from him. The last thing he wanted to do was shoot, but he was starting to feel like he had no choice. He started to slowly lower his gun though, keeping one hand raised to show that he had no intentions of shooting, and that he just wanted the other male to come with him._

_However, at that exact second, the other male snapped. He started screaming obscenities, calling Aomine a fucking idiot, and saying that he had a family he needed to get home to. In that moment, Aomine cursed his squad for being slow and not having his back just then. So, as he called out to the other, he saw his finger twitch the slightest bit and was sure he was about to fire._

_Raising his gun once more, he was first to pull the trigger and took a step back as the bullet flew from the barrel and watched as it lodged itself right in the criminal's stomach._

_The force of the weapon wasn't that great, but it was enough to unnerve Aomine and send him taking a few more steps back as he stared down at the piece of metal in his hands. His ears had begun ringing and he heard the perpetrator screaming out in pain and agony as he clutched his stomach, completely forgetting about his own gun._

_Thankfully, it was then that his squad _finally_ caught up to him and pursued the criminal as Aomine slid down the wall, gun rattling to the floor as he held his head in his hands._

_I shot someone..._

_I shot someone..._

_I shot someone..._

"I shot someone..." he repeated for the umpteenth time, his lids shooting open as he sat up in bed. His heart was racing and it was pitch black in the room. He had no idea where he was, in his head, he was still in that abandoned building, going after the perpetrator; he had no clue that he was in his own apartment, his own bedroom.

The first word that came out of his mouth when he finally realized where he was, was Ryouta. He frantically repeated his name numerous time, each being louder than the last. He tried crawling out of bed, only to have his feet get tangled in the mess of blankets on the bedroom floor, causing him to tumble down to the ground. Now on his knees, he continued calling out for his boyfriend, tears once more pricking the corners of his eyes.

"Ryouta!" he called out, head jerking up as he saw the door being pushed open. He saw a the silhouette of a figure standing in the doorway and heard the clunk of something hitting the floor. What came next was his own name, _Daiki._ He felt a pair of strong arms wrap around him, nearly knocking him to the ground as he was embraced and held. His hair was stroked and he was practically cradled like a baby right then and there.

The tears kept falling against his will as he mumbled 'I don't you not to leave me' repeatedly against Kise's shoulder, gripping onto the back of his jacket with shaky fingers.

"I know, Daiki. I'm sorry. I know. I won't leave you again, I promise," he said as he got Aomine back onto his feet and back into bed. After pulling his boots and jacket off right there and leaving them on the floor, the blond picked up the blankets and placed them back on the bed before crawling in behind Aomine and wrapping an arm around his waist to pull him close. He held him tight throughout the night, could hear him whimpering now and again in his sleep, and felt him tensing in his hold. He kept murmuring softly into his ear, telling him that everything was going to be just fine, whether he could hear him as he slept or not.

Aomine was his boyfriend, one of the strongest people he knew, physically and emotionally, and Kise hated seeing him like this. He loved him far too much for this to happen to him, so he convinced himself, right before falling asleep, that he'd talk to Aomine in the morning in hopes of getting him to attend therapy.

* * *

It had been nearly a week since the incident, and Aomine was still refusing therapy. His boss had agreed to let him have some time off to collect himself, but expected to see him back and working as soon as he could be. Kise had taken some time off as well so that he could tend to the distraught officer who hadn't moved from bed less it be to pee or force himself to eat something, even then, Kise normally served him in bed because he never wanted to leave.

One day, as Kise sat on the edge of the bed running his fingers through Aomine's hair, he brought up the other going to therapy for what felt like the hundredth time that week. As per usual, the blue-haired officer merely glared up at his boyfriend and then rolled over onto his other side so that his back was facing Kise. He'd mumble under his breath, something about Kise being a traitor and siding with his boss. No matter how many times Kise tried explaining to him that he needed to do this to get better and get over what happened, he'd be faced with either silence, crying, or yelling.

With a sigh, Kise stood from the bed and left the bedroom, closing the door gently behind him. Aomine's mood swings were starting to take a toll on the blond, and he told himself he needed to get out, even for an hour at most. So, yelling over his shoulder that he was leaving and would be back soon, he grabbed his jacket, his wallet, and his keys, threw on his shoes, and left.

He needed to breathe and get some fresh air; he had basically been living inside their apartment without going out for the past week so that he could tend to Aomine, and it was becoming a little much for him. So, he figured he'd do some grocery shopping to stock up on the food they had consumed over the week.

* * *

Upon hearing the front door slam closed, Aomine rolled back a bit so that he could peer over his shoulder towards the closed bedroom door.

"Ryouta?" he called out, and when there was no response, his brows furrowed in frustration and he pushed himself from bed. Stepping over to the bedroom door, he pulled it open and peered out, looking up and down the short hall, calling his boyfriend's name once more. When there was still no response, he pulled the door open fully and walked out, heading into the kitchen.

Walking around, in and out of every room in the apartment, he quickly returned to the bedroom when he closed the door behind him and headed straight for bed.

Aomine sat down on the edge of the mattress and curled his fingers into the sheets beneath him.

"He fucking left," he cursed through barred teeth before lifting one hand and slamming it back down. He felt the springs in the mattress vibrate beneath him, and it caused him to hop up out of shock. He didn't know what to do. Kise had been his rock for the past week and he just up and left like that without him.

_What kind of boyfriend was he?_

Aomine paced the room, anxiously wringing his wrists before tugging at his matted, unwashed hair.

Anyone else would have told him he'd gone mad, but that's not what Kise told him. He told him he was just stressed, that'd he'd be just fine. _That he'd be there for him_. Well, where was he now? Aomine _needed_ him, and Kise just decided to _leave_ him, as if it were no big deal.

His chest started rising and falling as he began to panic. What if Kise left for good? What if he wasn't coming back? What if he drove him away for good because he refused to seek help? What if he lost the one person that cared about him more than anything and made him feel safe and secure? What if he lost his rock, his sunshine, his _home_?

The tanned male stopped thinking rationally at that time and ended up putting his fist right into the bedroom wall. He was scaring away the one thing he needed the most, and he couldn't handle it. There were to many thoughts rushing through his mind at once, and he couldn't deal with them all. Kise, the incident, his own trauma were piling on him at once and before he knew it, he was crying again. Angry tears were streaming down his cheeks and pit-pattering towards the ground. Having gone back to tugging at his hair, he started chanting:

"I shot a man."

"I could have _killed _him."

"What if I _did_ kill him?"

And at that moment, he lost himself completely, blaming himself for everything, convincing himself that the perpetrator he shot was dead and that it was because of him.

"He had a family. He had a wife and kids. He had a home to get back to," he droned, feet carrying him over to the bedside table where he stored his off-duty weapon. He was beginning to convince himself that the criminal was the innocent victim, and Aomine, himself, the criminal.

Pulling open the drawer, he grabbed his semi-automatic and ferociously pulled it out, knocking a few things from the table in the process. Stepping away from the table with the pistol in his trembling hands, he stared down at it and looked it over, watching as it gleamed from ceiling light overhead. After ejecting an empty shell from the barrel, he locked the slide in place and raised the pistol so that the tip were pressed to his temple. His finger was dangerously close to the trigger, and he returned to pacing the room with tears blurring his vision.

He began spouting nonsense, saying that everything was his fault and that he deserved to die in place of the other male who was shot, but then Kise would come into his mind, and his bright, smiling face would make him think otherwise. Aomine would lower the pistol and take a deep breath before the incident was overpowering his boyfriend once more, and before he knew it, he would be back to pacing the room with his pistol to his head.

* * *

Kise cursed himself as he unlocked the apartment door, having forgotten his phone on the kitchen table. Upon approaching the kitchen, he heard the muffled voice of his boyfriend from the bedroom, and it caused him to slow down. He picked up his phone as he closed in on the table and pocketed it before his brows furrowed in confusion and he took a few steps towards the bedroom door.

"Daiki?" he called out, walking closer so that he could press his ear to the wood to try and hear what he was saying. His voice was still muffled, but he could have heard a sniffle and the blue-haired male say something about "killing a man," so the blond slowly turned the knob and pushed the door open. What met his eyes caused his heart to drop and his face to pale. His hand clenched the door knob as he watched his boyfriend walk in circled with his gun pressed to his head.

He didn't know what to do.

Kise had frozen in place.

Thankfully though, it had finally registered to Aomine that someone was watching him, and when he turned to look and see who it was, he briefly lowered his pistol and muttered, "Ryouta?" His cobalt blue orbs bore into honey-brown ones and held his gaze for a minute but felt more like a year.

The tears were still welling in his eyes out of his control and he weakly smiled in Kise's direction before that facade faded and he was back to chanting that it was his fault and that he killed a man.

Finally knowing what Aomine was saying, Kise shook his head, gathering himself and taking a deep, shaky breath. "Daiki," he whimpered as he released his hold on the door knob and took a step into the bedroom, one of his hands raised to show that he meant no harm to his boyfriend who could possibly snap at any second.

His heart was racing, and the very last thing he wanted was for Aomine to hurt himself like that, to _end_ himself like that. "Daiki, listen to me. You didn't kill anyone. The man you shot is perfectly fine. No one died, and nothing is your fault," he said calmly, though he felt light-headed and as if he were going to pass out any second. Taking a few steps closer, he watched Aomine flinch and his finger twitch; it caused Kise to stop in his tracks and lower his hand. "Daiki, please listen to me. It's Ryouta, your boyfriend. I love you, please listen to me," he choked out as he took a cautious step forward.

Kise refused to cry, at least not yet anyway. He needed to be the strong one now; he needed to calm Aomine down and make sure he was safe. "Daiki, I love you. Don't do this," he repeated as he got closer, grateful that Aomine began lowering the pistol from his head the closer Kise got.

"I'm right here, Daiki. I'm not going anywhere."

It was as if those few words triggered Aomine and returned him back to his previous state, one where he was more calm and rational. Seeing the way his eyes softened, Kise let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding, and took hold of Aomine's hand which was holding the gun. Carefully uncurling his fingers from it, the blond removed it from his hold and gently set it down atop a nearby dresser. Then, he wrapped his arms tight around his boyfriend as to never let him go, to prove to him that he would always be there and would never leave his side.

* * *

After much debate with some of their closest friends, Aomine was finally convinced to go to therapy and seek help. Kise figured it was probably Kagami who called him a pussy for letting it effect him so much. Aomine had never been one to let Kagami get the better of him, so just to prove him wrong, to prove that he wasn't a "pussy," he agreed.

Kise attended every single meeting, and held Aomine's hand throughout the entire session. It was the one condition he had if he were to go, and Kise was more than happy to comply.

Over the course of a few weeks, Aomine had steadily found himself and needed to hold Kise's hand less and less, though he was always there, at every single meeting, in case he was needed.

Before long, the once distraught officer was back to his usual self. He had come to terms with what had happened, and accepted the fact that he had shot a man; he was more than grateful that at least he wasn't dead. He returned to work where he was welcomed back with open arms, and apologized to everyone for what had happened.

His boss, who supported him through everything as well, pulled him aside one day and explained to him that he was in Aomine's shoes once. It was surprising to the blue-haired man actually, because is boss, much like he, himself, was to Kise, was one of the strongest men he knew. He found out that his boss had gone through the same trauma the first time he shot a gun, but he persevered and bragged about where he was now – overseeing "brats like Aomine."

Aomine's boss wasn't the only person he was thankful for. That night, the first night he spent in bed not worrying about what had happened, he turned to the sleeping blond beside him. He reached up and gently brushed a few pieces of fringe from his face and tucked them neatly behind his ear. His lips were parted, and he looked so incredibly peaceful. Aomine didn't want to wake him, so he leaned in and quickly and gently placed a kiss to his lips before rolling up onto his side and draping an arm over his waist.

He buried his face into the top of Kise's head and took in his scent; it soothed him in a way, and reminded him that Kise was still there in his arms, and that he would never leave him. After everything that had happened, it was Aomine's turn to be Kise's rock whenever he would need him. He owed the blond everything. He had stuck with him through so much, and it proved to him just how much he was loved by his boyfriend.

Pressing a soft kiss to Kise's brow, Aomine closed his eyes and murmured quietly before dozing off.

"Thank you Ryouta... For everything. You saved me and I don't think there's any way I can repay you for that. I'll be here for you through anything. I love you so much. Thank you."


End file.
